Stay at home Mom...

Why I still keep choosing to stay at home?

My 28 month old is sick. He is often sick when he goes to classes where he interacts with other kids. 

Hasn't been able to sleep and spent all night clinging to my tummy and semi recumbent to grab some sleep. He has been throwing up and miserable all day. My husband hasn't been able to take time off the office and feels bad about it. I am sick and miserable too. At this point, if I worked and the kind of profession I belong to, I would have had similar work home conflicts. With a high pressure job. Who would have let me go off such high responsibility jobs for a week or so often to help my son recover. Which day care or nanny would have been so understanding and soothing to a cranky, crying and sick child to this extent? (they also don't take sick kids in) He is miserable and doesn't understand why he feels so uncomfortable right now. But he knows that holding on to mommy makes a hell lot of difference in how he feels, he feels assured that I am there for him, come what may happen. When I fall sick, there is no one by my side, leaving everything else for me, which I understand. But I don't want that for my child, at least not so early in life. I had my mother by my side on those needy sick days, it made a lot of difference. I want to be with my son  when he needs me emotionally, physically and mentally. There are many such occasions where I don't want to leave him on his own to figure out this mean mean and tough world, at least not now when he is just a toddler. So many times when I try to push him in the crowd of other kids, he looks back to me for assurance. If I am not around, he gets anxious, his behaviour changes, which concerns me. I know what anxiety and depression does to you, and I want to give my son some time to deal with his anxieties with me by his side. It is my personal choice to stay at home, so that I can ensure my son has the security he needs at this age. Every child is different and mine is too. I understand and accept that. I chose to leave financial stability, professional aspirations, at least for now, and add to to my own stress, the title of unemployed, just to see that smile on my son's face when he finds me in a crowd with anxiety of being lost. He has some genuine concerns when it comes to other kids and adults, he is vocal about it and I try help him out. He asks about his father many times during the day and asks him to come back home. I didn't  want to add myself in that list of missing people. One of us has to be with him. Not all kids need this kind of support but mine needs it and I am glad that I am with him, at east now when he needs me. Not parents are lucky enough to be able to give the time their child needs during their initial years. And kudos to the working parents for being so brave and provide financial security for your child. If I had do that, I would have been miserable in office everyday and would have cried all the time, or may be not. But right now I don't have to courage to leave him on his own for 8-9 hours but one day he will be ready to fly away, and I will have tears of joy. I always thought I will give that time to my child and I am lucky that I have the resources to support me in my pursuit. Thank you my dear husband for letting me by our son's side. I am sure he will grow up to be a strong human being, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Mera pyar

Andhere mein bhi Tera chehra dekhti hoon main

Teri muskurahat mein meri Jaan rakhti hoon main 

Yoon ek Kali ki tarah khilkhilata hai too

Mere armanon ke Pankh lagakar Udta hai too

Masumiyat mein bhi ek andaz hai Tera natkhat sa

Teri baaton mein Sara jahan Lagta hai  Bhoola sa

In panktiyon mein mera pyar hai tere liye

Jab naa hoongi saath per yeh pyar hoga saath tere liye

You are my Sun; You are my Moon

My Son, you have brought the perfect relationship in my life. Life with you is tough, the constant energy and enthusiasm can be draining, lack of sleep can be frustrating, constant talking can be mind numbing. In those sleepless nights when you come close to me and touch my belly  gently with your tiny soft hands, your fingertips brushing my skin, in your sleep you know where exactly you want to be and how much you seek to touch your mommy for reassurance is exactly what I am ready to give away my sleep for. Who doesn't want someone to touch and feel, get reassured and feel loved and safe? I know you want that and you constantly seek that. You are an independent being but I love this,that even if you wander off in your own world, every now and then you come back to me to touch base. You come to me, hold me, hug me, lie down on my tummy and kiss me with that delightful smile. I love it that you don't shy away from showing how much you love me and how much you want me around you! No matter what you do I will love you always, and I will always say that you are the perfect and my ideal relationship happened to me ever! You give me hardships but your constant expression of love for me is something that makes my heart glee. You are the one who constantly tells me that "you love me", you are the one who touches me often, keeps coming back to me after your excursions, in the night you keep seeking me, you touch me with reverence and that love that I can see only in your eyes. I see you light up when you come close to me and hold me tight. A whisper of "ouch" from me and you come running to check out on Mommy. What else do I want? Nothing but your love that, you are more than happy to show me... It is not hiding for me to guess what you feel for me... You are transparent, you are innocent, you are honest, you are cute and you love me... You are my perfect relationship... You are my perfect love, My Son... And I love you and will  always love you, even when you will start feeling uncomfortable being kissed and hugged from your mom in public and will start feeling shy telling me that you love me, and will stop spontaneously reaching out to touch me. I love what I have now with you and will always cherish our courtship for lifetime.           I love you son!

The infamous Ambulance ride...

Like most of the boys, my little one has always been too fascinated with Cars and Balls. He enjoys his car rides, is always excited about bus and train rides. We have always shared his excitement while riding these transportation mediums. So my boy was super excited about his upcoming aeroplane ride during our visit to India. He enjoyed his aeroplane trip and ran around abundantly at the airports oblivious to the fact that his parents were dead tired. Now that the wish had been fulfilled, the next wish turned out to be the ambulance ride! So how does his mommy tell him that he isn't supposed to ride it ever? I told him only a big ' owee' (our word for sickness or injury) can get someone on the ambulance... And he looked amused. Anyway very soon around his 18 months birthday my little boy got sick and had high fever. He would get rigors  during the fever phase. In between when he felt better he talked  about cars and all. He kept mentioning ambulance and wanted to see an ambulance. One night fever shot up to 107 degree Fahrenheit and he got chills and rigors. His eyes were rolling he was a bit too quiet and confused. In panic we called the Ambulance and the paramedics gave a dramatic entry. My son's super heroes in their shining armours were there in our living space and my little boy had suddenly dropped his body temperature to normal! We told him about paramedics and their was an instant friendship with the attending paramedic (rare at that age for him). un the below freezing night of December my son was moved in the ambulance. Instead of being  scared of the strangers and freezing cold, he was excited and curious. In the ambulance his tiny body was buckled up in that huge ambulance gurney. He normally resisted being buckled up but this was a dream come true for him. I saw his tiny, thin body in this gurney and neck straight up, head high with curiosity and happiness of being in the ambulance. He was checking out on traffic signals on the way and was even talking to the paramedic. From ambulance to hospital he agreed to go in paramedic's arms and some  how also got him to commit for an aeroplane ride (now that he had ambulance ride) my son was under this impression that his super hero paramedic was going to take  him to all the possible rides and was very upset when the paramedic left my him with us without the promised aeroplane ride.I was,to start with very stressed up and felt bad for my son, but then seeing his dropped fever and excitement I had to literally hide my giggles, thinking about  my Son's wish fulfillment. I actually shared his excitement and secretly was happy to see him happy about his ambulance ride. I was grateful that he didn't need his dream ride for some real serious issue. Yes, I had to hide my pleasure to see my tiny toddler's excitement for the reason that it would look odd that a mother was smiling for her Kid's ambulance ride and can be misconstrued. But I knew then that this mother and son are in for quiet a few fun rides in this life and may be my little Hero's mommy is not that mommy types and may end up being a bit adventurous with her Son. So my son, you have so many rides to take in life and be sure that I will be with you for those till you want me to be there. And I seriously wish they are all happy rides, though can't deny the fact that life isn't about all pleasant rides my son!

My wobbly head: When you were 5 months old!

Here he is sitting on my lap and staring at the dimly lit room. His eyes are wide open and staring; and I am staring at his tiny wobbly head. He turns his wobbly head towards me, looks into my eyes and gives a smile; and then he shy's away and gets back to the dimly lit room. This is all he does and I find the answer to my question that I had been asking my self a few minutes back. Why was I awake at this odd hour in the night way past mid night but way before the dawn? I have to wake up every night, night after night for these curious eyes, full of wonder and amusement. I have to wake up for these eyes for whom the world was probably a warm, cozy and dark place in the 

womb, just a few months ago. Just in few months the world has changed for this little boy and his tiny hands and eyes have become busy exploring the whole world around him! It is the same room he had been since we got him home from hospital, still every time he turns his wobbly little head around in the room, he finds something new! It is the same digital clock with same red display night after night, but for his eyes it is new every time. And the mist from the humidifier is something which he wishes to catch hold of. And suddenly his eyes find something really new, the room heater with a gleaming blue display and bold red thermostat dial! His eyes wander from heater to clock to heater to clock. After a few minutes of his eyes wandering he finally decides to keep his attention in the clock. I continue to stare at his wobbly head. 

Despite being terribly sleepy and tired, my eyes glimmer with tears. Yes I will wake up night after night for this curious little wobbly head. His curiosity amazes me, his interest in tiny little menial things make me wonder that why doesn't that amaze us? Of course that is part of being grown up, that is part of experiencing so many new things in our life since we were born. Now the things that amaze us are way more complicated and sophisticated than mere clock in our room. But for my boy to reach to the stage where probably how the clock works or rocket science or intricacies of a painting will amaze him; he needs me to wake up every night with him to give him company in his wonderful journey of explorations. Soon he will begin his explorations without me and I will cherish those nights and be thankful to him for making me part of his wonderful journey of life and exploration.